Today's blog post is about me. Yeah, I know...it's not supposed to be about me. I'm only supposed to be giving you info that helps you or somehow gives you tips that you've showed up for and given your attention to. You didn't come here to hear about my dark side, my cuckoo neurotic problems. But, I've got a major confession. I'm a mess. Yes...a mess.
I've been completely unfocused. Well, maybe that's not exactly right, but it's how I feel, unfocused. I've been wandering, dreaming, chasing some big dreams. It doesn't mean I'm crazy or losing my mind (yet to be determined). It just means that I'm still searching for what is best for me, the people in my life, and my business.
What you say? What's wrong with that? Aren't we supposed to dream? More importantly, who gives a shit? Isn't that what it's like to be a "gypset" girl...to wander...to let the mind roam? Get a grip lady!
Yes...yes it is. But somehow I've lost perspective. Somehow I've failed myself. I am not my biggest cheerleader. I think it's more about self-acceptance, belief in oneself than anything. I've been searching for so long that I got blindsighted because the results I wanted weren't happening. I seemed to just be stuck in perpetual motion.
It happens to me...I go thru these phases. People who are closest to me, know it. They've seen it and they do their best to run the other way.
It's part of being a creative, the highs, the lows and the muddy inbetween.
I have to remind myself: The Soul Thrives on Adventure.
Adventure and creativity is what brings me back to life, what makes me happy.
You see, I know my shortcomings. I know my failures better than anyone. I know my weaknesses.
I know that I'm just a girl from a small town that tried to swallow her and keep her down.
I've been trying to make a big decision with moving forward with my business. I've been seeking a space that would allow me to continue with what I've been growing the past 2 years. This vision will bring me back to big responsibility and commitment. I've thought about it and dreamed about it long enough that the decision has grown into somewhat of a one eyed monster. I'm afraid to open my eyes and afraid to close my eyes because the monster is going to raise his ugly head and scare the living shit out of me. I've been away from huge commitment for a while, because I took a break from having a physical retail location. I gave myself a green light to get away and focus just on me. I gave myself a green light to just do whatever came my way: no rules, no commitments, no agendas. It's been fabulous. I created a mobile shop in a vintage camper that is unlike anything else out there. In my little gypsy soul world, it rocks completely. It's not perfect. As a matter of fact, it's mildly imperfect. But I love it, it's a little piece of unconventional freedom.
So with this big decision, comes the insanity of "what if's", "how do I" and "are you sure?"
I'm ok with risks. As a matter of fact, my life has been full of them. I'm not afraid to be the girl that is not part of the sea of followers. But I'm not nearly the badass or as free as I'd like to be. I yearn to throw caution to the wind and just say "what the hell" and be ok with that.
But, just like everyone else, I want validation that there are a few like me out there. A few that view life as a chaotic rollercoaster that sometimes leaves you hanging.
So....today I'm confessing to you. I'm a mess, a pretty big mess. But nonetheless a moving forward, adventure seeking, daring to grow kind of mess. A mess, that just wants to get something right for a change and give life to something that hopefully has a positive impact.
The thing is, that the best things do not come easily. So I guess I'm on the right path.
Decision? not sure yet.
I'm working on accepting that there is no "right" decision it's just what's best, whatever that may be.
Creating the journey,